Hello and welcome to our stop on The Things I Want To Say But Can’t blog tour! Please scroll down for an excerpt.
‘A lifetime of endings, a million goodbyes. None of them right. It’s funny what you remember when you’ve got nothing else to think about. All those things you should’ve said while you had the chance. You never learned, did you? You never, ever learned.’
Belle has a habit of losing things. Her friends. Her lovers. Her mind.
Everything ends eventually, or at least that’s what life has taught her. But what if everything she lost came back again? What if she got a chance to finally have her say? To face her past. To put things right.
Second chances aren’t easy when memories are all you have. So, when Belle invites the nightmares of her past back in, is she willing to deal with the consequences? Because maybe, just maybe, this time she’s getting what she deserves.
I can’t quite remember how I got here, lying on the sofa beneath the old dusky-pink eiderdown, staring into the flames flickering in the open fire. Snatches of memories come and go. How I’d woken from a dream on the lawn to find darkness had fallen. How I’d scrabbled for the key in the gutter, moss and dirty water embedding themselves behind my fingernails. How I’d scrubbed vomit from my hair and blood from my hands.
Blood on my hands. Always blood on my hands. Like Ebony’s, only different this time.
How I’d stripped off my clothes and stood naked in the kitchen while I’d soaked away the stains of my ordeal in the sink, scouring away the trauma with cheap green soap and years-old bleach until my hands were raw. How I didn’t once notice that I was shivering. How I didn’t once question why.
How I’d stepped into the shower where the ice-cold water rattled through ancient pipes, shocking me awake, soothing the bruises, easing the swelling. How I’d poured what was left of the bleach into my palm, the smell making my stomach churn and my throat close up; how I’d rubbed it all over me like soap, until my skin tingled and reddened and fought back angrily. How it hurt as it took you away, hurt like hell, but how I was glad. How I carried on. More and more. From the top of my head to the soles of my feet. Frantic, frightened, desperate and determined. Until the bottle was empty and I finally stopped, sinking down to a curled-up mess of a girl in the corner of the shower cubicle, plastic bottle clutched to my chest as visions rippled in front of me like misplaced heatwaves: of the school playground where I saved her that one and only time, a jam-jar clasped tight against her, of Dan as he walked away and didn’t ever come back, and the fireplace where Ben had loved me and where he had come undone. And then you. You who took away the little I had left to give.
Carla Christian lives in the Lake District in the North of England. A busy working mum of two teenagers, she has a passion for writing, art and travel, and these interests have been a part of her for as long as she can remember.
Constantly inspired by both the good and the bad in the world around her, she spends much of her time creating in one way or another; be it painting canvases for the blank walls of her new home, sketching pictures to capture memories of the many travel adventures she’s been lucky enough to go on, baking fantastical cakes with her daughter, or writing endless beginnings to a million unfinished stories.
The Things I Want To Say But Can’t is her first novel.
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